Woke Up With An Old Love On My Mind

I woke up this morning without remembering any dreams but I did have something on my mind that I hadn’t thought of in a long time. The love of my life.

In 1997 I thought I was happily married. We were living in beautiful Foster City in a large 2 bedroom apt. right on the slue. I had already bought the car of my dreams and with no kids I had what most people might consider a “dream life”.

Amongst the regular household chores I had the best patio garden in our complex. I had an art table where I worked on whatever I wished, I could do anything I was interested in and just like I am today that was quite a lot! So why did I feel there was something missing?

My now X and I moved in together in 1977 and got married in 1982. By the time 1997 came around I found to my dismay that I was living with a drunk and worse. Not the lose your job, bail out of jail, violent type drunk oh no! I may have realized it sooner. But he was a sneaky quiet drunk who after much alcohol became like a living statue that would not speak or move. Not much fun.

He was a hard worker that never took vacations much once we were married. Our sex life that used to be rich and rewarding was totally lack-luster. We didn’t do much together anymore and he was fast becoming a fat snoring slob to me in bed or out!

I was only in my early 40’s and I was so lonely. I decided to have an affair to infuse my life with some much needed attention from a man. I met a few men here and there but nobody stood out. I was just looking for an affair. Then, a friend from the city called me.

My friend had heard about a huge club in San Francisco where you could hang out all day, they had free bands, food and everything. It was actually a medical marijuana club and I already had a card. She said it was three stories of party time with plenty of bodies. I went the next day.

When I walked in what a sight this place was and full of people like she said! All kinds of amazing people! Two floors had couches and chairs all over and I used to sit up there and listen to the bands that played there in the evenings. This place was not for pot only so no alcohol was allowed and that was fine with me. I was pulling away from my interests at home and was spending more time in the city. I would go home at night.

I started meeting people at this club. We had a cozy little group of us that would meet there at a certain time or we’d just run into each other there. One of my friends Doc, told me about a friend of his who was going to play there so I decided to check it out. I was terribly excited and got there early.

It seemed liked forever but it was time for the bands. A man walked out on stage with his guitar under the spot light. I could tell he had some American Indian in him. He looked to be about my age with dark brown eyes and longish brown hair that fell over his forehead. Kind of like a Beatles hair cut but he pulled it off. He was muscular in his jeans and T shirt. He looked good enough to eat.

He finished a short set, packed up his guitar and came over to our table hailing Doc. As he sat down Doc did the introductions. Our eyes met and I KNEW I was in lust. His name was Chris and like a high school girl I was smitten! We all talked until closing parting ways. As I drove home I knew I had to have him.

The next day I waited but no Doc and no Chris. I visited with some other acquaintances but my heart was not in it. This continued for a week and I figured he had a girl friend. Still, I could not get him out of my head!

The next week I was sitting by myself and it was early. I picked a table this time and as I sat down I saw him. He smiled and rushed over to sit down with me. I was hoping I could remember the English language as I said hello. He was wonderful to look at and I really got lost in his eyes, his mouth, and his smile. I could tell he was very interested in me.

It got louder as the day went on and we had our heads together talking. His hair brushed my face once and it was so soft. I didn't dare touch it. He asked me if I wanted to go down to Ocean Beach to watch the sunset. I told him I had my car and top down we sped to the beach. I had a blanket in my trunk and we had sex for the first time on the beach. Did I say sex? More like nirvana!

I was so fulfilled and happy that I didn’t question anything after that. As long as we were together was ALL that counted. The next night I stayed in the city with Chris crashing on a futon at his friend’s house (who I never saw) while we had the best sex I ever had on this earth.

This guy owned me and maybe that was part of it. We would stay at hotels or on the futon on Bush Street. In the morning we would have more sex, take a shower together have breakfast and he showed me San Francisco his way. It was over the top romantic and I never went home again.

At the time I was so happy I still wasn’t questioning anything nor was I thinking of the future. I was sure a love like ours was so awesome that the world would have to be kind to us and that the future would work out all on it’s own.

Our love making was full of passion with Chris showing me positions he said that American Indians used during sex. He liked his sex the way I did, hot and lots of it. Wild, earth shaking organisms were had by both of us and we became inseparable. It was like a dream I had never had.

While we were together he was playing in two bands with friends. He played bass and sang backup in one band and in his own band played lead and sang. We would come down to Foster City for two practises a week and spend the night at a hotel then head back to SF for the other 5 days.

By now I had left my husband, my two cats and everything I ever knew or owned behind. I did make a few trips to pick things up but I left most of it. My best friend at the time told me I was making a big mistake. I told her to mind her own business and that was the end of that friendship. I just didn’t care.

In 1998 Chris and I moved in together on Leavenworth Street in San Francisco. We were both in our 40’s and he was one year older than me. I was floating on air.

Then I missed a period. I had never been pregnant but I knew that I was. I went and got a test and OMG, I was two weeks with child. For an instant I thought about how beautiful our child would be and that I was in my 40’s. It was the last time I would ever have this chance to have a child. Chris was my baby’s father how great is that?

Then reality set in. I had never wanted kids before and I didn't now. He already had a girl he never saw. I told him I was getting an abortion. Of course he didn’t argue a good thing. He already had one child in Oklahoma to pay child support on.

He was very supportive about the abortion. We resumed our sex life and were closer than ever when one day he started talking about family in Oklahoma. He was telling me he wanted us to move there. He went out there alone for a week first. He called every day until he came home and I was so happy to see his smiling face at the airport.

Life as we know it can be so cruel. It was now December of 1998. One day a woman called from Oklahoma and asked for Chris. I should of paid more attention but I was love-struck. That, and I didn't want to move to Oklahoma but I was getting worried. The woman didn't seem like anyone to him just an old friend, but what if?

I had a right to be worried. Chris told me right before Christmas that he was leaving me and going back. I think I was finally waking up from my dream as he didn’t ask me to come along. I was relieved about that but I wanted him so bad!

He quickly moved out stealing a lot of my things. Why wasn't I shocked? (It was some Tshirts and a guitar.) When he got back to Oklahoma he was calling me every week still telling me how much he missed me. Finally in 1999 I got no more calls. I still missed him and he told me he was coming back until the calls stopped.

After that I got my divorce in 2000. I didn't want to go back to my X but I had totally screwed up my whole life for 2 years of nirvana. My girlfriend had been right after all.

I agree that I should of known better. I really shouldn’t have messed my life up at that age for any one man. My marriage would have been over with anyway but I wouldn't have lost everything.

If was to see him today I’d be happy to. He was handsome with a nice laugh. He gave me the best loving I ever had, got me pregnant for the first time and if I ever found this kind of relationship with a man again I would chain that man to my bed and swallow the key! Tee hee!

I don’t know why I felt compelled to blog about Chris today except that I still think of him often as he will always be unforgettable but sort of regrettable, to me.

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After Being Put Into A Coma I Haven't Felt Better

What Happens When Someone Is Put Into A Coma:

Sometimes someone is so ill they are put into a coma to save their lives. That is what happened to me. I had two seizures before getting to the hospital and my left lung was filled with puke and had collapsed. I was spiking a high fever and phenomena was setting in already. The Doctor's decided that a coma was the best way to save my life. I was put into a drug-induced coma. Luckily I never needed a ventilator after they cleared my lung out.

Someone who is in a coma is unconscious and will not respond to voices, sounds, or any sort of activity going on nearby. Not even intense pain will bring forth a response. The person is still alive, but the brain is functioning at its lowest stage of alertness. You can't shake and wake up someone who is in a coma like you can someone who has just fallen asleep.

I can tell you from first-hand experience that you can't hear people when in a coma-like some believe you can. Reading to someone in a coma from a book is just for your own comfort, not theirs. All I remember from being in my coma was my never-ending very strange dream that I had.

My dream was unlike any other dream I ever had while sleeping normally at night. The dream was probably based on my brain functioning at such a low level and all the drugs in me but it was very eerie. I dreamed about people in my life, and some that weren't yet. I wish I could have remembered the imagery it was very creepy and when I woke up I was totally freaked out until I realized I was awake and where I was.

My dream drove me to question what really happens when you die? If I would have passed away would I have dreamed until the very last brain cell gave out? And then what? For me, being so close to death was not an empty time that I couldn't remember and ever since then it's caused me to rethink my prior beliefs. But to what?

Then there's the way I have felt since being out of the coma and hospital. As soon as I came out of the coma and the doctors started telling me what happened it was hard to believe it was so serious because even with the tubes sticking out of every orifice and then some I felt surprisingly well. I even left the hospital faster then they wanted me to. I really shocked my doctors especially since they still can't find out what caused all this to happen!

I remember reading stories about coma patients who claimed that being in a coma 'reset' their brains and bodies in a new way that hadn't expected. I felt this way too and after having people who knew me tell me this I decided to look into it. Unfortunately for me I couldn't find much. Most of the articles were just about comas and were all very similar. People awakening from comas did not feel this way, often having to relearn even the most basic of functions. I was very lucky indeed!

People may emerge from a coma with a combination of physical, intellectual and psychological difficulties that need special attention. Recovery usually occurs gradually....patients acquire more and more ability to respond. Some patients never progress beyond very basic responses, but some can recover full awareness. Regaining consciousness is not instant: in the first days, patients are only awake for a few minutes, and duration of time awake gradually increases. In reality, the coma patient wakes sometimes in a profound state of confusion, not knowing how they got there and sometimes suffering from the inability to articulate any speech, and with many other disabilities.

This is unlike the situation in my life where I awoke from my coma and was instantly able to continue my normal life. Of course, I was not in a coma for a long period of time. When I woke up I was up for good and didn't relapse back into unconsciousness. I was anxious to walk, speak and do everything I could to go home from the hospital. The doctors were very surprised at my state after being on death's door. I was not confused in the beginning but I couldn't remember anything that happened to me and had to be told what transpired that week and why I was at the hospital.

This is a statistic that really freaked me out! The most common cause of death for a person in a vegetative state is a secondary infection such as pneumonia which can occur in patients who lie still for extended periods. For me I got pneumonia right away from swallowing my vomit and an ultra-high fever so I was very lucky I had the best staff working on me at Kaiser. They saved my life.

So what I found out after researching this is that I'm a lucky person to have come out of it like I did. It was very hard on my body and I took a month to recover from all of it fully. Even the day after I came home I felt so much better than I had in years! I couldn't put my finger on it but when other's noticed it too it confirmed what I had thought had happened. I was somehow a new person! I even looked better and I couldn't believe it.! A lot of my old pain was gone and my wrist that I had pinched a nerve in before had healed! The numbness was gone and I could move my fingers again. It was like a miracle! I felt so well that I was being more active than I had before this happened to me! (Bear with me on the use of "!".)

The odds were against me and I survived. The fact that I didn't go into a coma on my own and they induced one is like arguing apples and oranges. A coma is a coma and they are very dangerous. I had several medical problems that alone could have killed me, but no. I had my dream during these goings on that must of helped my brain deal and I really believe this! I also think that the coma reset my brain, not unlike an electrical circuit can be reset. Everyone knows the brain runs on electrical impulses. My brain got reset to a time before my injuries before I felt so bad, it went back to a happier mental pattern in my life and all I can say is I'm super lucky and it's very awesome! I'm thankful I'm not learning how to tie my shoes again or speak. I'm truly blessed and will not squander this new chance I have been given!

Thank you, my higher power!

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