Jokes From The Inbox

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right…whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

A Wish To Live Forever

I met a fairy today who said that she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

From An Actual Trail In The UK

A young Woman several months pregnant was sitting on a bus when she noticed a young man smiling at her. She decided to look out the window and ignore him.

She chanced a look back at him. He was still staring at her with an even bigger smile on his face and she was the only one he was looking at!

She was sure of this. She began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat & he seemed more amused. She moved again and he was rolling with laughter.

She was so angry she got off the bus and called the cops on him. He was arrested and when he was in court she was there.

In the court, the judge asked him what his defense was for bothering pregnant women on the bus.

He said; “When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon- The unknown boon’. I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement which read 'William's stick did the trick'. When I could not control myself any longer, she moved again! On the third move, she sat under an advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident”.

The case was dismissed. The judge fell off his chair laughing.

The Password  

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

‘MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento’.
When asked why she had such a long password, she said, “I was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. Didn’t I do it right?”

A Day In Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and Fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

Observations On Growing Older

• Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good. Coming home is better! 
• When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
• When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
• You forget names .... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
• The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 10+ and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 10+ pounds.
• Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
• The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his ‘pre-sleep’. 
• Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident! You used to say; "I hope my kids GET married”. Now; "I hope they STAY married!"
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
• When personal computers were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
• You tend to use more 4 letter words like, "what?"..."when?"... ???
• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
• You read 100 pages of a book before you realize you've read it.
• Notice everything they sell in stores is ‘sleeveless’?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers because you are going deaf. 
• Now that your husband has retired .. you'd give anything if he'd find a job! 
• But old is good in some things especially ‘Old Friends’!!!!! 

“It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.” Anonymous

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